What was hard to ignore after losing my grandmother

I’m starting this journey in memory of the original badass, my Abuela (Spanish for “Grandma”) Ana. I got unexpected news that my maternal Grandmother passed away earlier this year and it shook my family to the core. It reminded me that life is short, and we really need to make the most of our time that God has given us here.

Abuela Ana was bold. She said what she meant and she meant what she said, unapologetically. She gave you her opinion, whether or not you asked for it. (Hey, you could lose some weight!) I’ll never forget her off the wall unsolicited advice. (You should marry a rich man!) I still hear her screaming at me in my head whenever I do something she would think is silly.

She was so loud! When she would scream it would instantly crack us all up – to the point where we would egg her on and say things just to trigger a reaction out of her. We thought it was the funniest thing. There were plenty of times where she drove us crazy and we just laughed her off.

She was for sure the tough love type, but when she loved, she loved so hard. Now, her crazy “in yo business” comments are what I hang on to the most. Sometimes I find myself replaying those moments in my head and I laugh, or I cry. I wish there were more. More moments, more time.

When I got the phone call that she had passed, I remember shouting out “WHAT!?” followed by “NO! I didn’t make it!” and then I let out guttural cries. I was planning a trip to see her the next month. My entire immediate family happened to be in her town and had all visited with her the night before she went. I was the only one who wasn’t there, and it ate me up.

It felt like she slipped right through my fingers – I’d lost her and would never get her back, never get the chance to tell her I love her again. She was told that I was coming soon, and though she couldn’t speak in those last moments, she smiled. That gave me a small amount of comfort.

I flew out to New York a few days later and was able to make it to her services. It was a strange experience for me. We were all supposed to say goodbye, but I was still in shock that she was gone and was in disbelief. I’d had my initial cry, but afterwards I was numb. I also wanted to be strong for my mother, who now no longer has any living parents. It was hard.

We would cry, and then start laughing and sharing our funny experiences we’d had with her. “Abuela Ana didn’t like crying.” We kept saying that to each other, reminding ourselves that she wouldn’t have wanted us to be sad like this.

We were trying to suck it up. I’m not the most emotional person in the world either. But, whenever anyone would start to cry they would say “I’m sorry grandma, I can’t help it” THAT would generate my waterworks.

Grief is a funny thing. There are times when I go about my day and forget that the glue that held our family together is missing. And life feels normal.

And then, I remember. OH, I remember. And my heart shatters again.

But I don’t want to forget. I want to carry Abuela Ana in my heart and remember and honor her in everything I do. Abuela Ana inspired me. She’s got me thinking. Reevaluating. The way she carried herself shined a light on what was lacking in me. I had this weird feeling of guilt. Like death often does, it made me think of how short life was. Was I really making the most of my life and being real with myself?

There’s plenty of times where I don’t express how I truly feel, or I let people walk all over me. I care about what other people think too much. I’ve been passive, and when it comes to taking risks and opportunities, I’ve been a scaredy-cat. I’ve self-sabotaged.

I’m timid, but I want to be bold, like she was. I also want to take better care of myself mentally and physically. Read, write, travel, exercise more, eat healthier. We have one life. We need to be good to ourselves.

Abuela Ana wouldn’t take crap from anyone.

And so begins my journey of not taking crap from anyone, not even myself.

Here goes nothing.